When I was younger, I lived in fantasy worlds – I spent most of my time immersed in video games, books, the computer and my own imagination. Even when I had to physically leave these un-real spaces and re-enter the ‘real world’, my mind would often remain in fantasy: planning future moves, analysing information, recalling experiences, problem-solving. My friends and I would discuss and debate the events of these fictional worlds – to us, they were a vivid part of our everyday lives.
In fact, I spent so much time in these fictional worlds that they became reality – the screen was not a barrier separating me from the fictional world, but a portal into the fictional world. My mind was not bound to reality; it was free to travel between reality and fantasy – and therefore the pages of a book and the computer screen became mediums through which my mind could travel. I was an explorer, moving fluidly from world to world, unhindered by the constraints of reality.
I had a very strong desire to make progress in these fictional world – to see things change, visible progress, growth, development. When I left the computer screen, I would not have made much progress in the ‘real world’… but this did not matter. I felt achievement in the worlds of my imagination, and they fuelled a very real part of my psychology and my soul.
Somewhere on my journey into adulthood, fantasy got left behind.
Inevitable events in the real world tore me away: family circumstances, money struggles, consoles lost or broken, fantasy novels replaced by textbooks, servers shut down, worlds lost. Each day a small surrender… until imagination is gone.
Nowadays, I spend all of my time focused on making progress in the real world – seeing things change, move forward, progress. Unfortunately, the real world is a frustratingly uncontrollable, overbearing and unimaginative place. The real world encourages us to be aware of everybody else, self-conscious, pragmatic, practical and functional.
Now, when I sit at the TV, I am acutely aware of the edges of the screen – my mind is unable to forget the fact that the world I am interacting with is contained within a box on the wall, and extends no further to either side. It has no real depth.
I am desperate for escapism: inspiration, imagination, a fluency of mind that allows me to absorb and create things without consideration for practicality or possibility. A place with no constraints.
Is it possible for me to ever return to a state of naivety? To suspend my disbelief for long enough to let a fictional world become a temporary reality? How long must I spend in this fictional world before my mind lets go? Am I simply out-of-practice, lacking the mental fluidity I once had? If so, how do I prevent myself being locked out of fantasy forever?
The real world is very tempting: it beckons me with validation, acclaim, physical pleasures. At the same time, the real world is incredibly traumatic: full of devastating conflict, impossible expectations, bureaucracy and boredom. I have no choice but to physically exist in the real world – but perhaps it is necessary, for my own sanity, to allow my mind to wander: to pretend, imagine, and temporarily escape to alternative realities that are a little more wonderful.