Last night I was struck by the most paralysing anxiety. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt such a deep pit of dread in my stomach.
Where is this anxiety coming from?
Our current uni project is titled ‘Performative Action’ – therefore many of our experiments involve some kind of ‘performance’ or public display, which requires some courage. However, our tutors have not applied much pressure, and do not seem to be expecting much – in fact, the tasks we have already done are probably sufficient to pass the module. Surely then I have absolutely no reason to feel anxious? With very little external pressure, why do I still feel such dread?
After a conversation with my teammate (who, as it turns out, was feeling quite the same) an enormous weight was lifted from me, and I suddenly felt capable of breaking down my fears and dissolving them one-by-one.
I realised that the source of my anxiety was within me. It was not pressure from outside that was causing stress – rather, it was pressure from inside myself. The pressure of my own expectations. This is what happened:
Throughout the week we had been discussing lots of ideas and their huge potential. Immediately I started having visions of the incredible outcomes that were possible. Naturally, I wanted to produce the best work possible, not just what was required – to go above and beyond. I wanted to feel pride. Quickly my ambitions began to swell and my expectations started to soar above what I was capable of. Now there was an imbalance between my expectations and my capabilities. Executing the huge ideas that we had imagined would require lots of effort, preparation and courage… and I was not certain that I had what it takes to achieve these things.
The largeness of my task and the smallness of my self combined to create a sense that I do not have what it takes. Once I realised this, it was time to decide: How will I respond to this fear?
This lead me to perform an emotional exercise, asking myself questions and providing answers:
- What do I need to do?
- Can I deal with it?
- If YES – How?
- If NO – What are the consequences?
- How can I make it easier for myself?
And here were my answers, for the three most stressful things on my mind:
- What: I need to ‘perform’ for our neighbours
- Can: Yes – I have performed many times before in more stressful scenarios
- YES: By preparing a song, singing it + recording it
- NO: Little consequence to our project (we already have enough). Little consequence to the potential relationship (it is already established).
- How: Choose a very familiar song
- What: I need to perform a meditation circle
- Can: Yes – it is simple to execute + record
- YES: By closing my eyes and enjoying the experience!
- NO: Little consequence to our project (we already have enough). Little consequence to my reputation (a small missed opportunity).
- How: By listening to something in my headphones
- What: I need to host a Zoom event, make the tech work, DJ
- Can: Yes – I have hosted before, and I enjoy it! Nobody will notice (or care) if my DJing is not top-notch.
- YES: By preparing events that I would enjoy attending myself, keeping them simple
- NO: Little consequence to our project (we already have enough). Little consequence to my reputation (people will respect us for trying).
- How: Make the event simpler + smaller, prepare song list asap, test zoom setup, ask for help from Insanest
Some additional questions I considered, but did not write answers to:
- Why is it scary?
- Why should I not be scared?
- Should I do it even though I am scared? Why?
- What is the worst thing that could happen?
- What is there to gain?
- What is there to lose?
- What reasons do I have to be confident?
- Why might this actually be exciting?
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By the time I had completed these questions, the tasks had been diminished to a size that I could grasp. It was now clear to me that I was capable of accomplishing them, and that the consequences of failure were very small. Also, I had a very specific action to take that would make each task easier to tackle, while ensuring that the accomplishment was not diminished.
Now, at last, I had a little peace – I could close my laptop, prepare for bed, get under the covers, close my eyes and feel capable of travelling to tomorrow.
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UPDATE 11.05.2020
After a weekend away from the uni work – socialising, spending time outdoors, imagining new projects and living in the moment – returning to uni work feels far less daunting, and far more insignificant that it did before. It seems that my prior anxiety was caused by two things:
- The sense that the hardest part of the project was yet to come
- My reaction to this initial anxiety, which was to double-down on my efforts and focus entirely on this single project, allowing it to monopolise my thoughts.
This made the project feel far more significant that it really was. In order to make the initial anxiety go away, it received all of my time, energy and emotional investment. As a result, the success or failure of individual components of the project felt like a reflection on my value as a person.
Stepping away from the project for a few days, taking care of my self, having a good time and working on other projects has returned me to a position of balance, where my value is not determined by any single action. I am now able to look down on my uni project from above, and to see it in context of all the other things I do, create, believe and feel. From this position, I have the power to take action without the emotional over-investment that caused me so much anxiety and paralysis.
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The emotional curriculum
Perhaps, as we grow up, we should be taught how to perform a few essential ’emotional exercises’ that can help us in times of stress or confusion. It could be considered the ’emotional curriculum’, and it would be the most important and widely-applicable topic taught in schools.
Many of these tools are already common in the worlds of therapy, self-help, business and philosophy. Surely everybody could benefit from these tactics becoming common knowledge.
Exercises
Trigger: Anxiety
Response: ‘Can I deal with it’ exercise (demonstrated above)
Trigger: Emotional uncertainty
Response: Philosophical meditation
Trigger: Feeling un-fulfilment
Response: Hierarchy of needs
Trigger: Moral uncertainty
Response: Values compass